having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
He shit in the fireplace
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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