I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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