I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
