Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
