when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
