she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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