he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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