I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
