Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
