tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
