I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Randomize
