Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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