Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
