I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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