Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
