I wish my penis had an off switch
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
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