When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
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