Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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