I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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