why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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