I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
