i wish peter jackson would direct porn
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
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