At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Randomize
