I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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