hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
