I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
