I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
