Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
