My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
