you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
