Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Randomize
