I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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