I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
