I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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