You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
