I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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