My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You smell like stripper and shame
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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