I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
