sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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