Will you blow on my dice?
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
