He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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