Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
