I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Another day, another engagement, another cat
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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