By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
