Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize
