May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
