Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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