I hate your face
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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