I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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