I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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