i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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